The Telling Quiet
Confessions of a Shy Girl
“She’s so quiet, doesn’t she talk?” “You could be funny if you
tried talking.” “You must have an IQ of .0, so stupid!” “She’s weird and annoying.” “She’s the class angry girl.”
I daresay I was slightly misunderstood. My adolescent self was a girl of few words and a pinch of social awkward…well, ok… a large dose. Sneers and giggles prevailed beyond the chatter of idle gossip and cruel condemnations.
Children can be mean, and they were mean to me. I was a lost girl; no ability to make connections. I just could not quite understand how to fit in. The nerds were too smart to include silly me, the geeks were too obsessed to include unattached me, the cool kids could not include dorky me…so I waited, for what, I didn’t know. But I was not ok. I was broken inside. Rejection is a hard thing to handle and I could not escape it.
Now being raised in a Christian home, I believed in God and repented of my sin at a young age. I was born-again, but it was not until high school that I began to grasp what following Christ entailed. My social interactions, or lack thereof, were the stimulus to transformation.
My priorities had always been laid out as such: 1. God 2. Family 3. Education. School was not a place to make friends, but to learn. And so I went to school and I learned. I went to church and learned. And then, made no friends.
On one my typical days of tears, I asked my mom, “Why don’t I have any friends? I just want a friend. I want someone to like me.” She replied without a doubt in her voice, “Jesus is your best friend and He loves you very much.” Her reply was comforting, though not what I wanted to hear. Nevertheless, I knew she was right about Jesus loving me. To say the least, He died for me and would take me to heaven one day. If He loved me that much, maybe, just maybe He could be my best friend!
My lunch hours were quiet, I would find an open classroom and read. Those hours were difficult but treasured. If I had not known such quietness, I would not know my Savior as I do today. In the moments of loneliness, I found the greatest peace and assurance in Christ. Every broken piece, He sealed with His perfect love. Confiding in Him who sacrificed His life for me, there is no love that can be found like this! (John 15:13)
This love was not a secret; I could not and did not keep it to myself. It’s funny, my fearful disposition and quiet tongue transformed into a total blabbermouth when it came to talking about Jesus. ‘Jesus Freak’ is not just an 60s phrase, or something DC Talk revived. It’s the one who knows they’ve been given a second chance. When grace is not confined to an internal satisfaction, but goes beyond to external and eternal proclamation. It’s like the healed leper (Mark 1), who turned around in a leap of joy and would not shut up, even after being warned to stay silent.
Knowing of Jesus’ love made me a believer, but understanding Jesus’ love made a follower. My Savior found me in my simplicity and weakness. He is forever my dearest.
Please note this disclaimer:
Let’s not pretend I had a miserable childhood. I was and still am a loved daughter. I was blessed to have been born into a believing home of two caring, attentive, and very godly parents. They were God’s gift in my life: a protection from the great lures of this world and the potential, proceeding mistakes and consequences.
God’s grace is massive!
Two passages that still comfort me to this day are Romans 8:37-39 and Lamentations 3:22-24. They taught me to know He is good and He is mine, that is sufficient.
To someone struggling with loneliness and rejection I would say, stop wasting your tears. Stop wasting your precious thoughts and emotions. Put them to better use and enjoy a relationship with Jesus Christ. The world will always fail you. You can wait forever, but the change you are waiting for, will never come. Finding peace within yourself is also a delusion. As humans, we are too broken to fix anyone, including ourselves.
The only goodness and the purest is Jesus.
And though the dull ache from the world may come back, He never forsakes His children and His mercies are new every morning. As we tend avert our gaze and stray away, the Shepherd, without out fail, lovingly returns his sheep to safety. If you have placed your trust in Christ and have given your life to follow Him, you will never be forsaken.
I am anchored to Christ. I am #AnchoredNorth